Also, the hippies would never let me join. I know that hippies are supposed to be very open, but I am sure they would draw the line for someone like me.  They’re all “free your mind” and I am one-hundred percent plugged in. I very stupidly believe everything on TV. You know those “corn sugar” commercials? I totally bought it.  (Evidently they are quite bogus, if you can believe MSNBC, which, of course, is still television.)  

Okay, I am not totally sold on EVERYTHING the television says to me, but I am pretty sensitive to suggestion.This is why I thought I would be a perfect candidate for Hypnobabies.
I know, I know: you are rolling your eyes at me thinking “You ARE one of those gullible new-age hippies”. Well, okay, there may be actually a very strong case that I am a gullible new-age hippie, but hear me out.  Hypnobabies is basically just a form of deep relaxation that allows you to stay in control when you are giving birth. This was important to me because I was really afraid of having an anxiety attack while delivering.  See, perfectly non-gullible talk.
Unfortunately, once we got to the hospital, I was too afraid the nurses would judge me, so I couldn’t follow through on the program.  

“Did you hear about the crazy hippie in room 2B?,” I imagined them saying,

 “She doing HYPNObabies.  I’ll bet she even calls high fructose corn syrup ‘corn sugar’.  Someone should call social services.”

Despite the fizzled ending, the program was actually pretty helpful in dealing with some of my anxieties. Before I started the program, I was becoming increasingly disenchanted with the whole pregnancy thing. As I became more and more uncomfortable, my perception of the baby’s movements in the womb changed from playful flips to malicious kicks and shoves. I actually would get angry with her, telling her to knock it off when she squirmed around inside me. Obviously, not a healthy way to perceive your growing child.  

The program has a “Positive Affirmations” element that teaches you to repeat things like, “I love my pregnant body” and “My baby is safe and healthy inside me now”. You are supposed to repeat the affirmations every day, all day long. I assume the primary benefit of the program is to startle people around me.

“My uterus is soft and supple” I’d say as I walked down the frozen food isle.

Please note how very sensible and non-gullible I was in this.
Then, lo and behold, every time I would drive by the Dairy Queen, I could hear the recording’s calming voice, “I eat healthy foods everyday for my baby”.  I started feeling a lot better about the pregnancy; referring to her as a “sweet little baby”; it was awesome.
Now, was it enough to keep me serene during an emergency delivery and five day stay in the hospital?  No, it’s not Valium, but now that I’m out of the hospital and no one is coming into my room to jab me with needles, I am thinking of picking up some guided relaxation again.
Seriously, I just need to see one commercial for it and I think I would get started.