^{first published MommyMentality, May 2012}

Thinking about having a baby. Good for you! As I am sure you know, having a baby will test you in ways you’ve never predicted. Thanks to an article in Jezebel (May 2012), there are now concrete skills you can practice in preparation for your little one. Suggestions include:

• Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in gibberish. Go back to “sleep.” Repeat.
• Stand around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
• Practice wrestling a large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish.

While these exercises only prepare you for the child, I have a list of things that will prepare you for pregnancy and child birth.

• Take a laxative and Ipecac at the same time.  Go to work.  Encourage coworkers to say how excited they are for you.
• Fill a basketball with water.  Just before bed, put on elastic-waist pants and insert the basketball.  Leave it there for four months.
• Gain 20 pounds.  Allow strangers to enthusiastically comment on how large you are.
• Poo out a seven pound turd surrounded by all your loved ones and several strangers.

Any others you can think of?