Have you ever been hit in the head by flying beans? Probably not. While beans sometimes jump, they don’t usually fly. In fact, if treated kindly, beans rarely attack people. However, for one small town, beans became a real problem. It all started with one very silly witch.

Calliope was a witch who lived at the edge of a forest in a house shaped like a big toe. She was short, and round, with purple skin that sparkled with tiny silver freckles. She did not have very strong magic, but helped people when she could. She could help trim people’s toenails, or make their boogers disappear. She could even fly a little bit if she concentrated, and sometimes got cats down from trees. Mostly, the villagers visited Calliope because she was kind and made them laugh.

One day Calliope decided to make her favorite bean stew for dinner. She kept dozens of cans of beans on the top shelf of her pantry. Each can was enchanted, so that no matter how many beans Calliope ate, the cans always remained full. She got a stool and began to climb to the top shelf, when suddenly there was a crack! The stool broke into pieces, sending Calliope to the ground up with a thud. Rubbing her bottom, Calliope looked up at the top shelf. She was too short to reach the cans without the stool. Then she had an idea. She cast a spell to make the cans come to life and fly down to her.

“Now, beans!” she ordered, “Fly down, and I’ll cook you right up.”

The beans were quite surprised to be alive. They heard a voice calling from below, but they ignored it. They were too busy looking across the room at the large open window. Outside, a flock of geese flew across a pink and orange sunset. 

Calliope was getting annoyed. What were those beans waiting for? She jumped up and down, shouting, “Oh BE-EEENS! Come down so I can eat you!”

The beans thought carefully. On one hand, they could fly off into a beautiful evening. On the other hand, they could be eaten alive by a witch. If you were the beans, which would you choose? The cans slowly rose off the shelf. Calliope lifted her pot with excitement, then frowned as the flock of cans flew out the window.
“Where are those beans going?” she thought. “They are supposed to let me eat them. It’s just good manners.”

She couldn’t help but feel insulted. Have you ever been insulted by beans? Well, let me tell you: it’s very confusing, and you would not like it one bit. Neither did Calliope. She grumpily ate a cold sandwich, and went to bed determined to get her beans back.

The next morning, Calliope posted a sign in the town square: 

Flying beans on the loose! 

One wish granted to the person who is able to catch them and return them home.

The town went wild with excitement. Everyone wanted to catch the cans and get their wish. A great bean chase began. A lot of people tried to grab the cans from the air, but others were more clever. Some used butterfly nets, while others put out traps. A few placed giant tortillas on their roofs, and hoped that the beans would wrap up into a burrito. One woman invented an airplane with a vacuum on the front. For days, she chased the beans across the sky, but she couldn’t even catch one. Soon, the town was out of control. People filled the streets, jumping and yelling. They ran into one another’s nets. They set off each other’s traps. They slept in one another’s tortillas. But nobody could catch the bean cans.

At first, the beans were excited by the great bean chase. Most vegetables are not very fun, but beans are playful. They love to jump, or to be tossed in bags. Maybe you’ve used beans to create pictures, or make music. Beans love to make friends. However, after a full day of chasing, the beans were tired. The next day, the beans were annoyed that the villagers kept up their hunt. By sundown when the beans flew out of town, they were angry.  They decided to teach the villagers a lesson.

The next morning, dozens of cans hovered above the town in a dark cloud. The townsfolk came out of their homes, looking at the sky silently. Everyone nervously wondered what happened when beans got angry. Then, one by one, the cans opened. Thick, mushy beans fell to the ground. Plop. Plop. Plop. More and more. Faster and faster. People ran back inside as a storm of beans rained from the sky. Beans coated trees and pets. They covered cars and homes. The cans never ran out of beans, and so never stopped dropping beans onto the town. Before long, the whole town began to look like a big pot of bean soup. After a long, splooshy day, the beans finally flew off into the sunset. The villagers breathed a sigh of relief.

The next morning they were back. Again, they whizzed through town, making a mess and creating noise. The beans were having wonderful fun. The townspeople were not having fun. They were wet and worn out. Some kept trying to hunt the beans, but there was little hope. No one had ever taught the villagers how to defend against bean attack. Nevertheless, the cans returned to town day after day, covering the town. The villagers managed best they could. They wore galoshes wherever they went. Some wore bowls on their heads. The town rang with people’s warnings about falling beans.

“Beans!”

SPLOOSH!

“Beans”

Glop.

“BEANS!”

SPLAT.

Calliope felt awful about the trouble her beans caused. She hated watching the sky for falling beans. She hated that the town was such a mess. Most of all, Calliope hated that beans were all people ever ate. Sure, she used to love beans, but this was just too much. People didn’t just eat the usual bean salad and bean soup. They ate beans on their hotdogs. They put beans on their pizza. Vendors even sold bean ice cream! One afternoon, Calliope went to a birthday party that served a bean cake with bean sprinkles on the top. She couldn’t stand it any longer. She leapt up from the birthday table and shook her fists at the sky.

 “Curse you, beans!” she leaping up from the table and running all the way home.

At home, Calliope pulled out the silver foil from the pantry. She wrapped herself around and around and around until only her eyes and two little feet were showing. She looked a great deal like a can of beans. The sun was beginning to set. Soon the beans would leave town for the night. Calliope hurried out of her house, and back into town hoping to follow the beans when they left for the evening.

Now, I don’t know how often you pretend to be a can of beans. If you have never tried, you may want to start practicing now. Calliope found that pretending to be beans was quite difficult. Her knees were wrapped together with foil. She had to waddle into town like a robot penguin, tripping over every stone and branch. Since her arms were wrapped against her sides, her face smashed into the ground when she fell. She tried to fly, but that wasn’t much better. She couldn’t see well, and crashed into things. All the way into town, Calliope would trip and smash her face, then fly off the ground right into a tree. Luckily she made it into town before sunset. 

Calliope joined the cans as they flew through the air in one silent flock. She still couldn’t see very well, and kept knocking into cans.

Clank! She bounced off a large can beside her.

Clinkety! She knocked two cans below her.

Clackity, clack! Calliope hit a can above her and sent it soaring up into another can.

Calliope held her breath and tried not to panic. What if the beans discovered she was a witch in disguise? She readied herself for attack. Much to her surprise, the beans zoomed with joy. They banged into her playfully, and bounced against their friends. Soon the entire group of cans were zooming in a noisy, messy cloud. Then Calliope had an idea.

Back in town, the villagers woke up, and peered out their windows. The skies were clear. The morning was quiet. One by one, the villagers came out of their houses, and looked into the sky. Nobody spoke but everyone was wondering, “Where were the cans?” One by one, the people of town noticed a strange sound growing. It sounded as if someone was trying to make music by throwing diapers at a garbage truck. (This is a terrible way to make music. It is very messy and very smelly, so please don’t try it.) The noise gradually grew louder, and a tiny gray smudge appeared on the horizon. The people of the village watched in curious silence as the gray smudge made its way towards town.

Finally, someone broke the silence. “Is that a ghost trapped in a toaster?” 

The other villagers grumbled. “That just sounds silly.” They said, “How could a ghost get stuck in a toaster?”

“Is it a giant baked potato in a cloud of gravy?” Another villager asked. The others shook their heads. Baked potatoes were never so noisy.

“Is it a ball of dryer lint wearing a suit of armor?” Again, people shook their heads. Why would dryer lint need a suit of armor?

Of course, it was none of those things. It was Calliope, marching down the street in a noisy, wet tornado. She was still wrapped in tin foil, but her arms were free. They waved above her head, smacking two long sticks into the cloud of beans. The bean cans clanged and whirled. They bashed, jangled and clashed. When the wild scene reached the center of town, it suddenly stopped. Calliope stood before her friends with a proud, wide smile. A steady stream of sauce dripped off her nose.

The villagers stared. They couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Then, one child leapt into the air shouting, “Calliope is the bean master!” Cheers burst from the crowd. Calliope had done it: she had tamed the beans. No more bean puddles! No more bowl hats! No more bean ice cream! 

The bean band began their noisy march all over again, and the entire village followed them. Everybody was having a wonderful time. They splashed each other and ran through the puddles. A few people played instruments alongside the bean cans. The tubas and horns filled with beans, and made the silliest sounds anyone had ever heard. People wrapped their arms around one another’s shoulders, and kicked beans into the air.

The group made their way back to Calliope’s house. They all wanted to see Calliope change the beans back to ordinary food. Yet, as beans landed gently on the pantry shelves, Calliope hesitated. She felt a little sad. She looked at the faces gathered around her, and she could tell that they were feeling the same way.

“That was fun,” one little girl said wistfully. The townsfolk smiled.

“Can we do it again?” a little boy asked hopefully.

The villagers sighed. In some ways, the beans were fun, but no one wanted to deal with such a mess every day. Some people said they would miss the beans once they were gone. A few wondered if they could keep a can of beans as a pet. A few people insisted that they liked having beans on their heads. In the end, the villagers decided there was no way they could keep the beans around all the time.
“I know what we can do!” Calliope exclaimed, “This time next year, I cast a spell on the beans again. Each year we will have one day of flying-bean fun!”

Everyone thought that was a wonderful idea, even the beans.

So, one day a year, the little village celebrates a huge bean holiday. The cans of beans race through the city, and the villagers try to catch them. People wear beautiful hats made from bowls. They show off strange contraptions to catch beans.. The cans cover the streets, trees, and houses with beans. People eat bean ice cream, and pizza with bean toppings. The big, messy, rowdy day ends with the entire town joining together in the square. Some play horns. Others play drums. Others stamp and clap with the music. The rest of the villagers dance together as they did on the day of the very first parade. They wrap their arms around each other’s shoulders, and kick their legs in unison. Of course, the happy parade is led by Calliope and her famous magical cans of beans.